["I was really scared for a while and didn't believe what he was trying to do. That probably gave him an advantage because I was so slow to react to what was happening, and when it was happening I couldn't do anything to stop it. I remember thinking that he couldn't be THAT strong but I couldn't do anything to stop him. I kept thinking that this is not how I want to lose my virginity. All the time when I was trying to get him off me, I kept saying to myself that this can't happen because it is not supposed to happen."]

[it was years before she told anyone about her date rape. Years during which she had major self-confidence issues and problems with her relationships. "I think the biggest mistake I made was in not talking about it with someone as soon as it happened," said May (a pseudonym) in an email interview. "I was extremely ashamed of myself and I was sure no one would take me seriously especially since I was at his house when it happened.]

[All sorts of weird thoughts were in my head for days after the incident and then I finally decided that I wasn't going to do anything about it. So I tried to put it behind me and live a normal life as much as I could. But it never ever felt normal again. For years I had lots of problems with boyfriends. I had a lot of issues with my self-confidence and always found it easy to blame myself for things that went wrong in relationships. I even stuck it out with a boyfriend who was very possessive and verbally abusive because I felt like I owed it to myself to make it right and not have another failure."]

all these quotes says it all...when i read the article..i could totally understand and feel for her..tears welled up in my eyes.As they say,only the people who experienced the same sort of things would understand.it's been a year plus and i still can't get it off my mind.At times, i would just sit somewhere silently,thinking back on what happened.maybe i deserved all those things that had happened to me..maybe this is my lifetime punishment for doing something wrong my past life...nightmares that will haunt me forever..why was i so stupid and naive back then...

Tear drop 12/20/2004 02:18:00 am of Eunice

i'm typing this with a bad stomachache now..seems like i need to go poo poo...gonna finish this blog fast..but then i juz started..hmm..to go or not to go....ok the urge is gone..anyway..i had a funny encounter while driving on the freeway to work on thursday afternoon. i had never experience anything like that before..ok..what happened was..i was driving on the center lane, and this car from "Atrium Homes" was driving on my left.I speed up cos i was running late to work..so i think i speed up when he wanted to overtake me..and then suddenly his car appear next to me again..i turn over..and he turned around..so i quickly turned back thinking he's gonna give me the middle finger now for not letting him overtake. then i turned around again and he turned too..this time he waved and smiled at me. so of course i had to smile back right..so i smiled back..and decided to drive on..so he was a little distance behind me..den he speed up beside my car..i turned and he was smiling at me..i smiled back..then he change lanes and end up driving on my right. he didn't speed up or anything hey..he kept driving beside me..everytime i speed up..he speeds up too. -.-" and we kept smiling and laughing..so we practically look like two idiots smiling and laughing at ourselves in our cars. this went on and on till we had to go on separate ways..lolx..it was cool..thank god he's not a lao ah pek..in fact he looks quite cute..hohoho..it was actually quite fun..let's hope i meet him again next week while driving to work..it actually made my day..lolx..ok..slap me..i am mad..

went to work super early yesterday morning..cos i was working morning shift.everything had to be done fast so that it can be ready by lunch time right..so when i was panning the bread i accidentally hit the bread tray on the little tray with all the workers' cups. fuck! one dropped..i was so scared it was someone's cup. i turned the cup around while hoping it has no name on it..and i saw the name "SCOTT". i was like "farkkkk....what am i going to do.." so i picked the broken handle up and put the cup back..amazingly the cup is still intact..except the handle la..i was feeling so guilty..i told scott when he came to work and he was so shocked..lolx..but he said it was alright..he dropped it a few times hoping it will break..but it didn't so he's glad someone is doing it for him now so he can change a cup..lolx..BUT he kept saying i broke his cup on purpose to hurt him..lolx..hohoho~...i offered to buy a cup back for him and he rejected. =(..he say he got heaps at home..okay then...

it's saturday and i have to go to work today...doing closing with ben..gonna get my pay soon next week..but i think 3 quarters of my pay is gonna go to my mum to help her with paying the rent next week..booboo..actually sometimes i feel happy that she borrows money from me..cos it stops me from spending money, which means the money she borrows from me is my savings. yea...den by the end of next year hopefully i'll be able to go back..heeee! it was my mum's birthday yesterday..brought the whole family out for dinner for japanese cuisine..my mum's favourite food..we ate soooo much..tempura,sushi,sashimi and also our own set meals..lolx.we were all so full.oh well,as long as everyone's happy..i'm happy too..heee..my dad decided not to come back australia anymore..blah..wonderfully telling my mum the day before her birthday..-.-" i dunno what does he mean by that..gonna stay in singapore to find work or just doesn't wanna come back to this family..whatever it is..i know i have to take more care of my mum now..hur..blahhhh..okay my mum's awake..go make breakfast..see u guys!! *smoochies* OH..and i have successfully enrolled into the course "Food Science and Technology"..can't wait to start school and start a brand new life! bye ppl!

Tear drop 12/18/2004 09:24:00 am of Eunice

bad mood...dun feel like smiling,dun feel like talking,dun feel like doing anything..and the weather is pissing me off..farking hot..38 degrees today..turned the aircon on in my car to maximum and it still didn't helped..grr..i hate summer..went to work today..so tired now..still can't get my mind off things..haizzzz..got work tomorrow again..morning shift..gotta wake up at like 5am..and then i got work on saturday..blah..12pm - 4pm...really dread even stepping out of the house during summer...haiz..life is so boring recently..all my friends back in singapore or somewhere else on the globe..my life is just eat,sleep,work and gb gb gb..so blardee boring..someone go out walk walk with meeeeeeeeeeee..im so bored..haiz...might consider visiting the beach tomorrow night to take my mind off things...it's still the place i will always go to when i'm down..sound of the waves...looking into the beautiful big big sea..will go only if the weather cools down..haizzzzzzz....i dun wan to think of u..i dun wan dun wan dun wan..I DUN WAN...

talked to bennie last night..of cos i'm glad to be talking to him again..but i guess i not really in the mood..i noe he cared..i noe he trying his best to cheer me up..i noe he trying to help me get over all these stupid sadness as soon as possible..but i still can't..each time i try..i end up coming back to the same spot..same place..and i have to keep trying and trying..which i dun wan and sick of trying the past 6 months..i need someone to talk to badly now..someone who can understand how i really feel inside now...but i dunno who to talk to..or even where to start..i can't talk to people who is not going through the same things as me..cos they never will understand..no it's not just the failure of the relationship..it's about everything that is happening and it's tormenting me..can someone walk with me or lend me a shoulder to cry on?...haiz..everything is inside my head..my heart..my mind..it's tearing me apart...



Tear drop 12/09/2004 06:24:00 pm of Eunice

the clock on my mobile phone strike 12am..and the alarm started ringing..looked into the screen and it say "Happy 1st Year Anniversary with Bryan dear.08/12/2004" forgot to delete....time flies..it's been a year already...i can still remember vividly what happen a year ago..and things are so different now..from lovers to just friends and to strangers.we don't talk anymore..don't even contact each other anymore..how did i feel when i read the alarm..sad..and the memories all started rushing back at me..i just wanna forget and move on..it's been 6 months since we broke up..why am i still holding on..what am i waiting for?..he has already moved on and is blissfully attached to another girl now. i tried moving on with ivan..but things didn't work out...i really just wanna forget everything and stop thinking about him.why is it that everytime i'm on my way to forgetting...something has to happen and remind me of him again..arghz..i need a brainwash..haiz..

10:45am le..gotta go to work soon..hope i will be able to concentrate and not let this sadness affect me too much..dennis going to KL today..i think reach there already..anyway..hope he has heaps of fun and take great great care.i better go prepare now..and maybe blog another day when i feel like it..thanks people for coming back to my blogsite now and then to read..muackz..love u all..

Tear drop 12/08/2004 10:38:00 am of Eunice